reading her post on the cds blog was a heart-wrenching experience. for a person like her to vent all that on the cca blog just a few days after xiangying showed her immense frustration and despair. i cannot pretend that i understand what she's feeling or i, in my slightly over three years in cds lived up to her high expectations. nevertheless, i felt that the post was timely and necessary. still, the responses to that entry by some of the juniors were downright disappointing.

i seriously am at a lost for words. something that happens quite rarely. i dont feel like blaming the juniors. i want to say they are incorrigible, yet i know better than to prematurely condemn someone. but how else do you want to describe them? each passing year brings along a new batch that seems to be more self-absorbed, and less self-sacrificing. im not saying my batch is perfect, we had our own problems and generated our own share of headaches, yet we turned out good in the end. this phenomenon does not apply exclusively to cds. in ahs, increasingly i hear complaints about juniors, in a wide spectrum of ccas.

is it the juniors' fault then? it takes two hands to clap. i must acknowledge that as seniors, we did not wield the authority and the stick in the intensity and the frequency that our seniors did to us. spare the rod and spoil the child. the rod wasnt the way my batch worked, in council or in cds. it was more of encouragements, forgiveness, sweeping under the carpet and shutting one eye. after leaving the school, i readily admit my emotional attachment to the school, the happenings and goings-on of which i still make a point to keep up-to-date with. it pains me to hear how the now is not like the yesterday. many times i wonder, if i was a bad senior, if i was too aloof, too presumptous that all things would work out fine in the end. if anybody, i epitomised the 睁只眼，闭只眼attitude. preferring to talk nicely to the offender rather than confronting him with guns blazing.

老板's post weighed heavily on my heart as i realised the crap that she had to go through in order to pull off this xiangying. the real life drama unfolded as the stage drama was playing. seeing what was written, i was shocked, horrified and guilty for not being of much help. a lesser human being would have thrown in the towel, berated the world and wash his hands clean off the people who brought about such severe grief and disappointment. indeed, as an observer, i am in awe of 老板's perserverance and unyielding sense of responsibility. such character and value are few and far between and it is a travesty that neither the school nor the cca people recognise her worth.

if i were 老板, i would have left. 感情can only take you so far, can only hold you for so long. i would have deserted the cca, knowing that i have tried my best and did all in my power to knock some sense into a bunch of kids still behaving like juveniles. i would have chosen to resign myself to the beautiful memories of the past, revelling in my superhuman achievement of turning around a cca once despised by many to one admired by all. i would have been contented with the knowledge that once upon an era, my cca students gave me joy not with their competence but with their heart, spirit and attitude. i dont deserve the shit that im going through right now.

but i'm not 老板, neither is she me. and i believe it takes someone special to pull through even when the going gets more than tough. and through this episode, she has become a role model for me to follow. and i salute her for that.

i dont know. we have been nagging at the juniors for eternity, yet, have we seen improvement? slightly? if any? we do not need talent, we need heart. we do not need competence, we need passion. we do not need attitude, we need humility. do they have it? do i have it?

just so we all know, what 老板said that xiangying would not have been a success had she, cailaoshi and lanlan not done what they did. it would have been an utter failure, a disaster. im disgusted at the discussions about people saying they wish to be in comm and wanting to make the cca better when they are in comm. what have you done as a junior, have you done your part? were you faithful in the small things? what many dont realise, the seniors have been watching 24/7 and we cannot be fooled. of course, the comm is not appointed by us. the sec4s cannot be fooled either. juniors, before you even think about the future, reflect about the past and look into the mirror, see what was done right, and what was wrong. think about what would become of cds had 老板, lanlan, huang huang, cai lao shi not been there. dont take them for granted.

at this point, i dont know what to say, again. i guess, all i can say is the rot has set in deep into the heart of the body and it can only be eradicated from the inside out. external help is only so effective. a true recovery, a true turnaround, can only start from the inside out.

think about it.