i feel frustrated. i have so many things that i want to say, yet i find nobody to talk to. it's a sad, sad situation, surrounded by people, yet being unable to tell them anything. ok, this sounds emo, but it really isn't. it's just that i don't think many people would be interested in hearing about my observations about many things happening around me. not that i'm sad or emo or anything, so it's not like i need someone to confide in, just someone to take in all my inane monologues. that's probably why i like blogging, coz i just write stuff down and not care about dialogue or conversations. maybe i'm anti-social that way.
i haven't been blogging about church recently, so i think i'll devote a post to it:
went for Livewire today. it's been so long since i've been going, now it's my second consecutive week in like, 8 weeks! i do feel that perhaps i've lost touch with what was going on, having been away for so long. i've also sort of lost touch with 'leading' life group discussions, etc. i don't know, maybe i don't feel the same way as before. being with the youth for so long, what seven years now? and being a leader for 5 of them, it's been a pretty long time. and it constantly excites and engages me. new issues pop up, new programmes are planned, new activities are executed...i enjoy youth ministry, it's given me so much joy all these years. and i can't believe i've been in this ministry for 5 years already. (granted, most of my peers have been around even longer) no doubt, being a youth leader has given me its fair share of grief as well: arguing with parents when i become 'overcommitted', having to give up class outings, etc. due to youth meetings, seeing young people stop going to church, the list goes on. yet, for every heartache, there is joy in serving God and seeing this youth ministry grow. it's never easy to be a youth leader, it entails sacrifice, in time, in relationships, in studies...your priorities are re-ordered, and much is expected of you when little is given. really, it is God who sustains a youth leader as he juggles schoolwork, family, friends and me time with his involvement in the ministry, as much as it is the joy in seeing your hard work pay off.
perhaps the hardest thing these past five years was really having to set a good example for the rest of the youth. as i said, much is expected. 1 Tim 4:12 - "don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity." it's a principle that i've tried to live by ever since i first heard it at Christchurch Secondary's student council investiture. setting a good example is by no means easy, and i cannot profess to having done an excellent job. nevertheless i must say that i have tried hard to do so. why, when people were scolding vulgarities, rebelling against their parents, getting tatoos, getting drunk, making out with strangers, getting addicted to games (and the list goes on), was i choosing to go to church, abstain from alcohol, obeying my parents, etc.? i've thought about it recently, seeing so many 'wayward' cases, especially in the army. as i hurtle towards 20, i look back at my teenage years and realise it has been uneventful in the conventional sense: no puppy love relationships, no heart-wrenching breakups, no massive fights with parents, no hanging out late and doing stupid things with friends, no jio-ing girls, nothing to mark what a 'normal' adolescent life would be like. have i been missing out on what it means to be a teen? not exploring new things, not pushing any boundaries?
i suppose really the reason is Jesus. He's kept me on the straight and narrow. no, it isn't the most fun, but it's the most satisfying, the most fulfilling. i thank God that He saw me and decided to give me a chance to serve Him. i thank Him for the many opportunities He extended to me to do at least something for His Kingdom. i thank Him for the friends that He gave me, who encouraged me, who never led me astray. i thank Him for the at-times strict parents, who never wavered from their godly principles in raising me. as i think back, perhaps i don't have a wealth of experiences, but i have a treasure trove of spiritual growth, that which moth and rust do not destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. maybe if i had not know Jesus i would have lived my life differently?
it's all about Jesus, isn't it? it's because of Him that i've got myself into good, reputable schools and scored excellent results in the various major exams. it's because of Him that i've won the awards and accolades i have, culminating in the award of the scholarship. it's because of Him that i've made the friends i have and accumulated the experiences i have. it's because of Him that i've overcome the many difficulties i've faced, and even more so because of Him that the difficulties i've faced pale in comparison to those many of my friends and peers are facing or have faced in my life.
i feel i've moved on in terms of my thinking, and also my spiritual walk with Christ. gone is the blind enthusiasm and energy when i used to go for youth or service. it's made way for a more mellow, yet sustainable faith and relationship. when i used to hit the highs, i used to sink to many lows. now the sine curve is not as steep as before, and there is a continuity and a consistency in my walk with God. have i given up passion, enthusiasm and energy for a more stable, stronger and mellow faith? is this a good transformation? this remains to be seen. not that i love Jesus less, in fact, maybe i know Him more.
it's one of those things that perhaps there are no answers to. i'm no longer the same person that i was 4, 5 years ago when i stepped into my first conference and was awe-struck at the scale and enthusiam of the people praying there. the go-getter attitude has given way to the slug-behind-the-scenes hard work in ministry. perhaps there needs to be a greater balance of both. now i know that serving God is as much passion and desire as it is hard work and diligence. neither can sustain a relationship on its own, and must work in tandem with the other. i believed i've moved on, the environment i'm in has changed, the people i'm with have changed, the challenges i face have changed, the priorities i order have changed as well. i have new goals, new ambitions, new desires, new mindsets and new perspectives. but isn't it wonderful that God is the same, yesterday, today and forever? He will never change.
secret valentine
we'll write a song
that turns out the lights
when both boy and girl
start suddenly shaking inside
don't waste your time
speed up your breathing
just close your eyes
we'll hope it's not for nothing at all
