braingoboom

Thanks
I give thanks
Not only for
What I have
But also for
What I will
Soon come
To find.

I give thanks
For trials
And tribulations
That have to
Be overcome.

I give thanks
For the test
That must
Be passed.

I give thanks
For happiness
And pain.
No matter the
Emotion - I
Give thanks
Just the same.

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Saturday, December 05, 2009

today is the 4th of december, 2009. one year ago, on this very day, i became a soldier.

525600minutes, 365 days, 52 weeks, 12 months, 1 year.

oh my freaking goodness...

i can't believe i made it through, i made it this far, this long. i remember telling myself that i will not allow the army to change me, that i will go into it, finish it up fast, and not let the whole new culture, the new dynamics, the new lifestyle, change me. i would never allow the army, or its people to alter the way i behave, the things i hold dear, the values i stand upon, the priorities i hold. yet, how can one not spend one entire year in an institution as pervasive (some would say invasive) to one's life as the army? and in fact i've changed.

i like to thing i've changed for the better, not worse, although that would be hard to ascertain for sure. i suppose i've become fitter? which is a good thing, assuming that i keep on exercising. however, what's physical is always temporary, it never lasts. emotionally i think i've grown. i'm more adept at controlling my temper, less affected by people around me. i've become more independent, more capable of suppressing my emotions to allow rational thinking to take over. i've become more patient (i hope), tried to be more sociable and interactive with other people. spiritually, i've grown too. the year started out really tough, feeling dry and detached, and it ended on a high with the birthday bash and 13 salvations last saturday. and in between it was a roller coaster ride. i've grown haven't i? and i'll be 20 in less than 2 months...

i like to reflect back, think back on the events that happened every time i cross a milestone. so what have i done since i got into the army? i've fired a gun for the first time (and also grenades and a matador), i've stayed out in the jungle for 5 days straight and lived to tell the tale, i digged a shellscrape not once, but at least 4 times, i've learnt close combat, won an award for being the best MATADOR gunner (wow, amazing... -_-) i've sat in a real life armoured vehicle for the first time. achievements outside of army? i did well for A levels, got myself the scholarship i always wanted, i've learnt (or, more accurately, am currently learning) how to play the guitar, i've led a whole new life group (twice)...not very impressive, actually. so yeah, it's nice to look back and congratulate myself on what i've achieved, which are, while little, still worth noting as milestones of life.

i think i might have become worse as well. while i vowed never to speak vulgarities, i've learnt alot of them since entering the army. i also have become darker, in a sense. it's an innocence lost, an optimism gone. i realised the bubble i've been living in all this while: happy nuclear family, dad with a stable job, mum with a stable job, brothers who are in school and doing fairly well, myself doing well in school, hanging out with friends who share the same values as i do, friends who don't lead you astray and wait for you to finish your meal before returning the tray together. and i realised that the good fortune i've been blessed with that is my life, is not one that many others enjoy, and it saddens me, terribly. i realised what a bubble i've been living in, what blessed fortune, what a gift from God i've had, and i'm both thankful and saddened at the same time. i've heard so many stories both in BMT and in this unit, that have really wrenched my heart and made me thank God for His favour over my life. i've met and made friends with people from single parent families, divorced familes, families whose parents don't give a damn about their children, i've met and made friends with people who smoke, drank, have tatoos, associate with gangs, womanise, sleep around...yet i don't think myself better than them. i am rather, humbled by the grace and favour of God on my life, and it makes me wonder how terrible things could turn with one wrong decision, one bad timing, one momentary lapse of reason...

the past year has shown the best in people and worst in people. i've seen sides of people that do not sit well with me: lecherous, materialistic, slothful, irresponsible, arrogant, unreasonable, the list goes on...yet an environment as cold and unfeeling as the army has also the ability to bring out the best sides in people: helpful, selfless, hardworking, diligent, friendly, loyal, encouraging, and the list goes on. the whole irony of the army is that the best and the worst can come and co-exist in the same place at the same time performing the same task. i think the best and worst sides of me have emerged as well. i realised that i could actually persevere through a physical task, much to my bewielderment, when i dug that shellscrape at field camp in 7 hours, i realised i also have the amazing capacity for bullshit when things don't go my way and i can still somehow find a way not to get pissed off. i also found out sides of me i don't like: i realised that i am, really, very messy; i found out that at times i can be very insensitive and shoot my tongue off and offend people without realising it; i can get irritated by the slightest of things; and the list goes on. i try to suppress my bad side. we all have a dark side i suppose, but inevitably, unwittingly, because we are but human, it emerges, and we do stupid things, things we regret on hindsight, things we wish we never did, things that when we look back, slap ourselves and wonder how we got so stupid in the first place.

i feel that i'm reaching a watershed right now. a crossroads, perhaps. the following year will be an important one. it will be one that will affect how i choose to live my life for a long time to come. there will be challenges, obstacles, tempations, distractions. yet, there will also be opportunities, celebrations, guidance. it's scary, to think that everything and anything might change in an instant. so many times this year i was so close to throwing in the towel on God, on everything that i stood for, on all the values and beliefs inculcated into me by the fine parenting of my father and mother. it's scary to think that we might turn aside, fall off, fade away any time, that any wrong turn, and bad move and it's Game Over. thank God that He's always kept me in the palm of His hand, that from challenge to challenge, from obstacle to obstacle, He's always guided me, encouraged me, provoked me, stimulated me and challenged me, and I've grown from strength to strength, glory to glory.

i cruised through life all the way until 4 dec 2008. aceing tests and exams were merely a matter of studying hard, ccas were fun after-school activities that served to widen my social circle with a bunch of similarly fun-loving friends, church was a place i grew up in, God was a person i took for granted. i think reality struck when i enlisted and was exposed to a whole new world i never knew existed. or rather, i knew, but never knew existed. cognitive knowledge vs practical knowledge. a world where people had no qualms pointing their middle finger at you and meaning it, where it was acceptable to insult someone's parents if you didn't like him, a world where women were referred to as sex objects and judged on the size of their boobs, a world where, when you wanted to curse someone you would offer to have sex with them (albeit using the vulgar term starting with F), and the appropriate response would be to offer to F them back, a world where it was better to lie, cheat and steal rather than to be honest, patient and diligent, a world gone mad, a world gone wrong. i hated the army, and now i still do. yet i must be thankful to it, for teaching me about life, about how to live it in a way that is set apart, that is different. i must be thankful for it for showing me things that i never have seen before, for teaching methat it is mostly better to hold my tongue rather than shoot it off. i've learnt how to suss out leaders who deserve respect from those who deserve disdain and scorn, and i've learnt how to ask God to help me forgive them. i've learnt that friends are easy to make but hard to keep, and i've found friends who will be with me for life.

i've learnt to trust God. when i am whisked away from the comforts of home and civilian life to an offshore military facility with just the bare essentials, living apart from my family and friends and forced to interact with a group of 40 complete strangers, i learnt to trust God. when i was out in the jungle for field camp, swatting mosquitoes, not bathing, eating horrible combat rations, i learnt to trust God. when i was posted to become a trooper in a forsaken, forlorn unit, i learnt to trust God. when training was tough and we had little sleep, when we bashed jungles and engaged in pointless firefights, i learnt to trust God. when i encountered unreasonable superiors who constantly toyed with bookout times and pile work upon work on me, i learnt to trust God. when we had to burn weekends and public holidays to spend the entire day shooting at the range, i learnt to trust God. when i spent 8 weekends away from church, detached from my weekly spiritual fix, just to direct traffic for NDP rehearsals, i learnt to trust God. when i collapsed outfield, got IV-ed and was hospitalised for 2 days for heat exhaustion, i learnt to trust God.

as i write this post, it's beginning to occur to me: it's not about me. this past year was never about me. it was all about God. it was Him working in my life, teaching me how to trust Him, how to put Him first, how to seek His face and still believe that He is sovereign even in an environment where 'God' is whoever has a rank higher than you. it was never about my problems, my difficulties, my challenges...it's come clear now. it's amazing isn't it? that as i look back on the year past, i see God's hand in everything. the non-believer or atheist might roll his eyes, but the Christian in me sees through eyes of faith, the work of God in my life, and everything that God made, it is good.

i suppose i should conclude this uber-long post. looking in the crystal ball to the year ahead, i see a need to continue trusting God. to learn to be conscious to do good to people around me, to learn to be a better manager of human-human relationships. i will also be preparing for life after army, maybe get a job, plan a holiday or something. i hope to get my drivers' license and expand my guitar repertoire. i would also like to improve on my french and learn to cook more dishes. in church, i would like to see my LG multiply to two, and my two SPs become leaders in these new LGs soon. i hope to finalise my uni application and get ready for a new chapter in life. one year, halfway there. this journey will end soon.

12:00 am